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Lucy A. Snyder studied to become a biologist, trained to become a journalist, and now provides tech support for a university that has an extreme troll problem. Her work has appeared in a wide variety of print and electronic publications, including Strange Horizons, Farthing, Masques V, Lady Churchill's Rosebud Wristlet, Chiaroscuro, and The Greenwood Encyclopedia of Science Fiction and Fantasy. Her short story collection Sparks and Shadows is due out in 2007. Visit her website. D.E. Christman’s art has been featured in galleries, art shows, magazines, book covers, and websites that specialize in the macabre and strange. He is a full time artist and web and graphics designer. He lives in Philadelphia with his lovely wife Stephanie, his son Andrew, and the monkey on his back called coffee. You can see more of his work at his website. |
Unemployed Playing Dead To Find Work Columbus, OH—Some still-living workers have covertly joined the ranks of zombloyees in call centers and on work crews. Employment agencies have nicknamed these live workers “cryptos.” “I didn’t set out to be a crypto, that’s for sure,” says a 33-year-old Columbus resident who identifies himself only as John. “I’ve got a BFA in musical theater and an MA in Enochian Literature; I always figured on being a college professor, but I got hella burned out in grad school.”
“I couldn’t even get a job grilling weenies,” he says. “Nobody’s in a hurry to hire you for entry level work if you’ve got a graduate degree. They think you’ll cut and run the moment you get something better. Which you will, but who expects anyone to make those jobs a career anyway?” During his two-year unemployment, John made ends meet by moving into a dilapidated farmhouse at the edge of the city with six dryads who had lost their forest to a failed condominium development. His parents also lent him money until his father was forced into early retirement. “But then I finally I got a job at the Hawt Shawpz call center on the westside. Eight bucks an hour wasn’t much, but it made my rent.” Disaster struck when Hawt Shawpz replaced their live call staff with zombloyees practically overnight. John was ineligible for unemployment, and soon his housemates were threatening to turn him into an elderberry bush if he didn’t pay his share. Despondent, John went to visit his elderly grandmother in her nursing home. “There was this cute girl there signing the old folks up for her zombloyee agency—I’m not gonna say which one. But listening to her... the light just went on inside my head,” John says. “I chatted her up a little and asked what it would take for me to get onboard at one of the call centers,” he says. “I haven’t been eating too well and everyone says I look sickly, so I figured I could play dead pretty easily.” John says the young woman took pity on his situation and got him a copy of the call response script. “I memorized it front to back—I was always good at that when I was doing theater. We made this deal where I pay her $50 out of each paycheck and she works things so I slip in and out on partial shift changes so I don’t have to go more than 16 hours at a stretch. “I have to put this mix of rotten fish and catnip in my hair. The fish makes me smell dead, and zombies hate catnip. They won’t come near my brains when I’m wearing that stuff, not as long as management feeds them on time, anyhow. Alley cats follow me home all the time now, though—the dryads are running a makeshift shelter for them under our porch. “I work twice as long now to make what I did at Hawt Shawpz, but at least I’m not homeless. Or shrubbery,” he says. John remains optimistic about his situation. “I’m getting really good at this zombie thing. I guess I’m a better actor than I ever gave myself credit for. If I don’t end up joining these guys for real soon, I’m moving out to New York or LA to try to get some theatre gigs.” John’s dryad roommate Ellora is confident that he will eventually reach his goals. “He’s pretty smart for a mortal,” she admits. “My cousin’s attached to a blue oak near FOX Studios, and she’s heard they’re going to start hosting auditions for a new reality game show called The Simple Unlife. They pitched it as cryptos versus celebrity vampires in Amish farm contests in rural Pennsylvania. John will be a shoo-in!”  Copyright © 2006 Lucy A. Snyder << 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 >> |
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